How introverts can flourish in an extrovert's world
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Illustration: Sarah Grillo/Axios
Sometimes I hide out in bathrooms, and I'm no longer ashamed to admit it.
Why it matters: If you're among the near-majority of Americans who identify as introverts, you probably already know why. If you're not, understanding our instincts might change how you see the people around you.
- Susan Cain lays it out in her book "Quiet": We live in a culture — and exist in workplaces — shaped around the extrovert ideal. Leadership often defaults to those who are assertive, sociable and comfortable in crowds.
- Introverts, meanwhile, often slip away during highly stimulating moments to recharge.
- Cain's mention of the bathroom trick helped normalize it for me.
The big picture: Between one-third and one-half of Americans are introverts, Cain notes. She argues that introverts bring their own leadership strengths: deep thinking, strong listening, empathy and an ability to empower teams.
Zoom in: People are often surprised to learn I'm an introvert. As a journalist, my job requires interviewing, relationship-building and public speaking.
- But introversion isn't shyness. It's about energy, not ability.
- Even when I enjoy big gatherings — and I often do — they drain me. And public speaking, despite being something I'm good at, can also drain me.
Yet it wasn't until the COVID pandemic and recently reading "Quiet," published in 2012, that I fully embraced the fact that I'm an introvert. I stopped fighting/avoiding that reality and started working with it.
Since then, I've built a small toolkit for honoring my innate self while rising to the occasion as an introvert in an extrovert's world:
1. Bathroom breaks are strategic, not just when nature calls. Before and after public speaking and while at gatherings, I take breaks strategically.
2. I conserve energy before I perform. I avoid heavy networking before taking the stage, to save my energy for the main event.
3. I volunteer to do the dishes at dinner parties. It's a tiny retreat that also makes me a better guest.
4. I choose depth over volume. I'll often opt for smaller, 1:1 catchups over large group hangs, both socially and professionally. I trade the efficiency of a big meetup for the meaning and connection of a close conversation.
5. I protect my "restorative niches." These are what Cain calls a physical, temporal or other type of place you go to recharge. For me, it's running and sleeping.
Friction point: But sometimes, it might be worth trying on extroversion.
- In her 2025 book Me, But Better, Atlantic journalist Olga Khazan — a lifelong introvert — spent a year practicing extroverted behaviors like improv classes and social meetups.
- Part of her motivation, she told The Guardian, was realizing that her natural tendencies might not serve her well in parenthood.
- Early parenthood — especially for mothers — can make alone time nearly impossible to come by.
Zoom out: Cain writes that suppressing your true self can make the world feel heavier. I've felt that.
- I used to guilt-trip myself for not "working the room" at conferences. Now I set a different goal: a few real conversations instead of a dozen forgettable ones.
- I used to feel like I was failing my very extroverted husband by not matching his social energy. Now we collaborate — who we see, when, how and sometimes separately.
The bottom line: I'm learning to show up authentically in an extrovert's world — with confidence, clearer boundaries and, when needed, a well-timed bathroom break.
